-Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
-I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
– I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
-I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
-My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
-Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
-A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
-The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
-Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
– When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
– My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t”
-What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
-What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
-My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
-I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
-Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
– I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
-Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
-A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
– I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
– What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
-Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
-Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
-Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
-My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
-Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
– When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
-As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
-How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
-And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”. John came fifth and won a toaster.
-What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
-I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!
-What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
-Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.