Short Jokes

1.I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

2.Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.  The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!  The next day,Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

3.Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

4.Me and my wife, we’ve decided that we don’t want to have children. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

5. What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.

6.Police: “Open the door!

Man: “I don’t want any balls!

Police: “What? We don’t have balls!

Man: “I know.

7. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? 
Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.

8.Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

9. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

10.Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.

Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! 

You need plastic surgery.

 
              

11. A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” 

“Yes,” replies the murderer.

12.Daddy, what is an alcoholic?

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.

13.Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

14. Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!

“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!

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