The coolest joke jokes, or the best in the world

1.Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

2. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” 

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

3.A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

4. Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?”

Mr. Jeffries: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”

5.An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. 

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: “Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”. 

The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”

6.Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

7. I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 

8. I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

9. An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”

The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”


10.”Can you please hold my hand?”A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?”

Son: “My name is Paul.”

Doctor: You’re obese. 

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. 

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

11. Doctor: You’re obese. 

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. 

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

12.Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?

The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”

13.Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?” 

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

14.”Mom, where do tampons go?”

“Where the babies come from, darling.”

“In the stork?”

15.A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Oh no, I look like a pig!” 

The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”

16.Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?

Wife: Michael, I’m over here!

17.Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

18.Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” 

19.I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

20.On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”


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